An irony of addiction is that the Addict always affects those around them. It has a different feel and look for each affected person, related to the context of their connection with the Addict. This complementary component to the system is known as the Co-Addict. They could be the Addict’s partner, brother, sister, mother, father, child, friend or co-worker. What all these people have in common is they are in some form of relationship with the Addict. The partner of a Sex Addict is often referred to as a Co-Sex Addict, or COSA.
The term Codependency became popular at rehabilitation centers treating addicts back in the 1970s. Quite simply, a Codependent person is "one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior." This is often at the expense of the Codependent person’s own serenity and their focus on developing and thriving in their own life.
It’s important to understand that Addicts can also be Co-Addicts. For example, if the Addict grew up in an alcoholic / substance abusing home or some other kind of dysfunctional environment, they were affected by this experience. Underneath their own addiction lies the pain of the Co-Addiction. Both the Addict and Co-Addict parts need to be treated.
If you are the Co-Addict, you may be experiencing a different kind of out-of-control experience that you need to manage. This role can be maddening, heartbreaking and compulsive too, as you try to manage your own difficult feelings as well as those of the Addict. You may begin to doubt yourself and your perceptions. Am I crazy? Things don’t make sense or add up. Sometimes the Addict will lie to you to keep their addiction going at all costs.
Denial is one of the hallmarks of addiction, and this denial can also be present for the Co-Addict who cannot believe what is going on around them. You may search for liquor bottles in the house, check the pockets of the Addict’s clothing, check their recent call log on their phone and call unfamiliar numbers, look at their emails or Internet history on their computer. Some will even hack into the Addict’s computer or pose as another person in a chat room.
You may confront the Addict, be told that nothing is happening and for a moment believe the person, only to find out later they were lying. This is all in an effort to control the uncontrollable. This hyper-vigilance is often referred to as the "Codependent crazies," as the Addict’s web spreads and robs you of your sense of peace and well-being. This situation can leave you feeling anxious, depressed, lonely, sad, unsafe, insecure, suspicious, paranoid and very confused. You must remember that the Addict has the illusion of needing their substance of choice, which can lead them to lie, cheat and steal to maintain it, even if they love you.
For the COSA, your partner’s addiction can have a profound effect on your own heathy sexuality. Your sex life may deteriorate to nothing, you may lose your interest in sex, or you may try to control the situation by becoming what is called "sexually anorexic." Or you may try to appease your partner by having sex whenever they want it, even if you don’t want it. You could also develop a love addiction or utilize sex as a way to cope with your own stress, which can push you into your own addictive / compulsive sexual behavior.
Whether the Addict admits to their problem or not, the COSA is going to need help and support for the pain and suffering and other feelings such as shock, disbelief, anger, sadness and more that can be caused by the trauma of this violation. Left untreated, Codependent people tend to repeat this pattern over and over again unless they get some help in breaking this cycle.
Even if you are no longer in a relationship with the Addict, the stage has been set for you to be vulnerable to connect with another Addict. It’s important to remember that you did not cause the problem, you cannot control the problem and you cannot cure the problem, no matter how hard you try. The sooner you begin to get some help for yourself, the sooner you can begin the healing process and break the cycle of your role in the addictive system.
Individual therapy, group therapy and Twelve Step Programs can be useful tools on this journey. It can take a long time to rebuild trust in your relationship or to decide if you want to continue in the relationship at all.
Some Twelve Step Program helpful for Codependency / Co-Addiction include:
Al-Anon (relatives / friends affected by someone’s drinking / addiction)
Nar-Anon (relatives / friends affected by someone’s addiction)
If there are no S-Anon or COSA meetings in our area or that feel right to you, there are Al-Anon, CODA and Nar-Anon meetings where a COSA might get help.
If the Addict is willing to take responsibility for their addiction, then at some point, couples therapy and / or family therapy would be a useful adjunct to the treatment protocol to further help the couple or family recover.
There are also Twelve Step Programs for couples, these include:
Alateen is a program for young people affected by someone’s drinking / addiction and is affiliated with Al-Anon
