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Couples Counseling
Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT).
What are the qualities of your interactions like? Couples often complain that poor communication is the reason there are problems in the relationship and the reason they are seeking counseling. However, poor communication is a symptom of partners who are stuck in ways of relating to one another. And, communication will likely improve when underlying problems in the relationship are addressed.
How secure is the bond between you and your partner? What are the obstacles to feeling safe and secure in your relationship? And, what cycles of behavior do you play out over and over again that undermine not only your relationship but also your physical and emotional wellbeing? These are all key questions to keep in mind when evaluating the health of your relationship.
Many of us know how to play the “blame game” with our partner or someone we are dating. We may also get critical of them, put them down, get defensive, shut down or run away. It may even feel normal to interact this way, especially if that is what we learned about relationships growing up. Rather than fall into these traps that undermine your relationship, a more useful question to ask yourself is “How am I contributing to the way things are going in my relationship?” Yes, this may be harder to do but answering this question can ultimately help improve your relationship or help you decide if it is the right one for you. Your contribution to interactions may be from your “schemas”, meaning patterns of behavior that you continue to play out in your life over and over again; and the “schema chemistry” that is triggered by conflicts or interactions in your relationship. No wonder it is easy to get off track…even if we love the person we are with.
Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) is an empirically validated approach that was developed to reduce distress in relationships and create a more secure bond between partners. EFT’s primary focus is on what’s going on between you and your partner right now. After an initial assessment, the approach is generally short term (8-20 sessions).
The therapy process is structured as follows:
Initial conjoint assessment session
Next, each partner has an individual assessment session
One follow-up feedback/assessment session
Conjoint intervention sessions are generally between 8 and 20 sessions.
With your active participation in the therapy process, I will collaborate with you to work on goals we have outlined towards redefining your relationship. Changes in your relationship can happen when you both experience each other differently and interact in new ways. By investing in your relationship, you can learn how to honor and respect differences in each other and break the cycle of behaviors you continue to play out. This can ultimately help reinvigorate passion and commitment for each other.
Below is an excerpt from Sue Johnson's website holdmetight.net outlining more about Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples and her new book "Hold Me Tight". There are also two videos where Sue talks about her book and provides some biographical information. A DVD version of this book is also available.
Dr. Sue Johnson is a clinical psychologist and recognized leader in the new science of love and relationships. She has authored four professional books on the subject and trained thousands of therapists throughout North America and Europe.
What Is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
The message of EFT is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. EFT focuses on creating and strengthening this emotional bond by identifying and transforming the key moments that foster an adult loving relationship.
• EFT has an astounding 70 - 75% success rate and results have been shown to last, even in the face of significant stress.
• EFT is recognized by the American Psychological Association as empirically proven.
HOLD ME TIGHT presents a streamlined version of EFT. It walks the reader through seven conversations that capture the defining moments in a love relationship and instructs how to shape these moments to create a secure and lasting bond. Case histories and exercises in each conversation bring the lessons of EFT to life.
Seven Transforming Conversations:
Recognizing Demon Dialogues—In this first conversation, couples identify negative and destructive remarks in order to get to the root of the problem and figure out what each other is really trying to say.
Finding the Raw Spots—Here, each partner learns to look beyond immediate, impulsive reactions to figure out what raw spots are being hit.
Revisiting a Rocky Moment—This conversation provides a platform for de-escalating conflict and repairing rifts in a relationship and building emotional safety.
Hold Me Tight—The heart of the program: this conversation moves partners into being more accessible, emotionally responsive, and deeply engaged with each other.
Forgiving Injuries—Injuries may be forgiven but they never disappear. Instead, they need to become integrated into couples’ conversations as demonstrations of renewal and connection. Knowing how to find and offer forgiveness empowers couples to strengthen their bond.
Bonding Through Sex and Touch—Here, couples find how emotional connection creates great sex, and good sex creates deeper emotional connection.
Keeping Your Love Alive—This last conversation is built on the understanding that love is a continual process of losing and finding emotional connection; it asks couples to be deliberate and mindful about maintaining connection.
Dr. Sue Johnson talking about HOLD ME TIGHT
Dr. Sue Johnson talking about HOLD ME TIGHT.
Dr. Sue Johnson Biographical Video
Please note: If you are involved in a relationship that is physically abusive, the following organizations will more appropriate for counseling and resources.
The New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project- 24/7 hotline.
212-741-1141, www.avp.org
References: The Practice of Emotionally Focused Therapy, second edition, by Susan M. Johnson, Ed.D. (2004), New York: Brunner-Routledge; Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy-A Manual for the EFT Externship, 2007; The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman Ph.D. (1999), New York: Crown; Conscious Loving by Gay Hendricks Ph.D. and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. (1990), New York: Bantam.
Couples Counseling 
Many of us know how to play the “blame game” with our partner or someone we are dating. We may also get critical of them, put them down, get defensive, shut down or run away. It may even feel normal to interact this way, especially if that is what we learned about relationships growing up. Rather than fall into these traps that undermine your relationship, a more useful question to ask yourself is “How am I contributing to the way things are going in my relationship?” Yes, this may be harder to do but answering this question can ultimately help improve your relationship or help you decide if it is the right one for you. Your contribution to interactions may be from your “schemas”, meaning patterns of behavior that you continue to play out in your life over and over again; and the “schema chemistry” that is triggered by conflicts or interactions in your relationship. No wonder it is easy to get off track…even if we love the person we are with. 
What Is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?